My baby was delivered by Caesarean section.. Thus I didn’t get to breastfeed her immediately within the 1st hour. After the delivery, I kept ‘pestering’ the nurses to bring her to me so that she can be breastfed as the importance of ‘1st latch within 1st hour’ was ringing in my mind. But it was only around 4hours later then my baby was wheeled to me. They have to keep her in the nursery to help her regulate her temperature. That’s what I was told. When baby is finally wheeled to me, the nurses confirm with me what would I like to feed her with, I declared proudly, ‘Total Breastmilk’. I remember they sticked a rainbow colored tag written ‘Total Breastfeeding’ on her cot, I was so proud of it.

Right from the start, my baby was having a bad latch. She refuse to open her mouth big and wide, and I’m ignorant enough about the importance of a good latch that I just let her be. I was informed by the nurses to let my baby latch on maximum of 20mins each side to prevent sore nipple. I don’t know if it’s true but I just let her latch on for longer time in hope that it makes her feels better with which ever pathetic amount of colostrum I have. My nipples becomes bruised by Day2, and start cracking by Day3 and the amount of milk was still super low, I was informed by the nurse that my baby was still hungry despite just after latching and suggest if I would like to give her some Formula Milk or Glucose water. I said No. But the 2nd time they ask, I relent to 10ml of Glucose Water. The next feeding time, I adopted another method, which is to hand express out whatever that’s left in my breast after the 20mins 20mins latching, and spoon-fed her. Day2 morning I could only express out 5ml, it was the total amount from both side, each drop was precious. But by Night2, I manage to harvest out 10ml, then the next morning 20ml, it just keep multiplying, I know I did the right thing.

The 1st night home was horrible! My milk was still too little, and she ended up crying the whole night due to hunger. I got blamed for insisting not to stock up any single bit of formula milk before hand. At 3am, there is no where to get Formula milk, not even 7-11! My mum ended up feeding the newborn plain water in hope to satisfy her hunger abit (I would personally step into any time machine and go back to that moment now to knock my own head) We just ride the waves as it comes, and finally baby falls asleep at 6am. Peace! The kind of crying and doubtfulness and guilt of letting my baby goes hungry bites me so hard that the 1st thing next morning was to send my brother out to get a can of Formula Milk. But it’s not necessary anymore by the time it reach my doorstep as my milk supply magically multiplies after a long night of intense latching. But by Night5, she starts to reject my nipples. Asked for help online, and realize she could be having nipple confusion due to the bottle feeding of water the night before. Gotta cut of all bottles for her and offer her only breast. Took her 24hours before she took to breast again. No more bottles nor pacifier for her anymore until 7weeks later.

After this, all as good as can be although I have had cracked bleeding nipple which only heals on Week2, and each time baby latches on, the pain reminds me of blistered feet made walking in high heels and burning charcoal! I was drowning myself in hot soups, hot drinks everyday every meal in hope to increase my milk supply. It works! As by Week3 I’m having engorgement everytime baby is due for milk, and each time I hear her cry, my letdown comes naturally and spraying fast. The next problem comes on her 3rd month when I went back to work. She took to bottle like fish to water. I pumped 2 times at work and comes back from work happily and eagerly to latch her on. I was devastated and disappointed when she rejects the nipple and only latches on when she is asleep. This never gets better, and each evening we put up a latch on fight with her screaming her heads off to be away from my breast. The stress was huge. My mum was looking at me as if I’m ill-treating my baby by forcing her to latch on, and this always spark of unhappy emotions and cold wars. Sometimes I gave in and end up pumping out to bottle feed her, but each time with me crying with disappointment and feeling of giving it up.

It was only until her 6th month that my milk supply start dwindling and I attribute it to the less frequent latching. Took the chance to explain the importance of latching on to my mom, and she agree that I’m right to want to retrain her to latch on and she would give me her support. I just happen to resign from my former job and awaits my new job to start thus I spent more than 2weeks in Penang for her to meet my maternal relatives. Over there, I start to retrain her to latch. No bottle only breasts. It was a ‘take it or leave it’ situation. Beginning was horrible with her rejection and crying and everything. But around 48hours later, she start to latch on without much fuss again. I’m thankful the retraining period is quite short. My aunties felt that I was ridiculous to have felt upset with baby when she refuse to latch.

After these, most are quite enjoyable and I was obsessed with piling my baby up with my breastmilk. Internet helped me a lot with me surfing for information and videos on breastfeeding, Forums posted great help to me when I was desperately in need of advices and words of encouragement. Without them, I would have given up long ago. This is why I always stress the importance of joining a support group or forum for new mothers venturing on breastfeeding as voice of discouragement is obviously louder than those encouraging ones. Now 14months down the road, my baby and I have been enjoying breastfeeding a lot more, and I know down the road, she will continue to benefit from it. Child-led weaning is my ultimate goal. :D Would love to share and help other mothers&children out there to breastfeed successfully, for them to enjoy what I had enjoyed with my baby, like how others have helped me.